Memories

As I put Halleah to bed tonight I let her linger in my arms and just held her. She's my super cuddler! And as I held her all at once the memory and feeling of Zach being in my arms hit me like a ton of bricks. Just yesterday I found myself wondering if I had forgotten what he smelled like and felt like. Probably should have seen these emotions coming...

And I'm working on moving furniture and things around in our house to make room for baby "Nishna 2 otherwise known as Tre (3rd child) by her daddy." I'm in the room that has housed the overflow of cards and pictures that were last sorted through maybe a month after the funeral. The strange thing about that room right now is the calm I feel in that room. It was formerly our "office" and is soon to be the "guest room."

But in that room as I sort things to keep and things to toss, I find a deep well of tears (that I thought I had put on the shelf to visit at my commnad) when the memories of Zach surface as I stumble on a pile of his pictures. I've learn though that it is better to welcome the tears as they are my heart and my mind's way of coping. It is my way of reaffirming that Zach was real, he is my son, and the pain although manageable, is okay it isn't just made up in my mind.

And one of my favorite songs plays in my heart...

An Amy Grant song (only partial lyrics listed) called Breath of Heaven:

I am waiting

In a silent prayer

I am frightened

By the load I bear

In a world as cold as stone

Must I walk this path alone

Be with me now

Be with me now

CHORUS

Breath of Heaven

Hold me together

Be forever near me

Breath of Heaven

Breath of Heaven

Light in my darkness

Pour over me your holiness

For you're holy

Breath of Heaven

Do you wonder

As you watch my face

If a wiser one

Should have had my place

But I offer all I am

For the mercy of your plan

Help me be strong

Help me be strong..

It is an amazing thing to be a survivor of someone. I remember when Zach passed and it felt like every other person could relate to us because of a tragic loss in their lives. And in the moments of selfishness when I want everyone to remember and miss my son like I do I find myself thinking about all the people I know who have given me grace for not remembering their pain, their loss. And then I pray, Breath of Heaven hold us together. . . . be forever with us...