Reflection

As I write this I cannot believe I am going to admit this... but when Steven Curtis Chapman lost his daughter Maria I cried. And the very next thought I had was 'wow, I cannot wait until he produces a new cd.' It seems to selfish but I really cannot wait until he does. But in saying that I am realizing that I really am stuck on the ministry that will be coming from him because of his tragedy. I completely discounted the fact that his music has ministered to me for the majority of my life. And that was without his loss.

I was thinking about my blog this morning. I was reflecting on the fun we had this past weekend celebrating Christmas with family. The pictures that catch moments of togetherness and silliness. I was thinking that grief is such a hard place. To share my sadness with you does not show the opposite side of me. It does not show the depth of joy and love in my heart. See - consolidation is hard work for me. And no, I do not have split personalities. I simply live my emotion... passionate emotions.

Red-head, sarcastic, dramatic, intelligent, sad, thoughtful, happy, short-fused, crazy, silly whatever comes to your mind when you think of me - I am in some way still that person. And I have probably offended you or come across as flaky. I do not understand the concept of half of anything. If I am going to hurt - it will be a depressing, you-haven't-cried-so-hard-in-your life hurt. If I am going to laugh and be silly, it will be an oh-my-goodness-she-did-not-just-say-that silly. To my defense I am growing up - I know that because I can hold my tongue and control my first instincts.. but I still get in the car, dial up Matt, and let my thoughts unravel. He might need help just from trying to keep track of me and my emotional craziness!

And I find myself thinking about the Chapman family this morning. I find myself thinking about those who are missing someone this season. Those who are tending to broken hearts and broken dreams. I work with a gentleman who has been trying to conceive with his wife. It grieves them to have to work so hard and to want something so badly. While I speak of children naturally and find every other sentence rolls off my tongue... my kids, my girls. Yet he does what I do, 'smile, nod, good for you. How are the kids?' Polite small talk. We don't talk about the elephant in the room. We don't talk about my son or his longing for children. Instead we have small talk which feels something like salt in an open wound. I can do that. I am doing it and I cannot stop. Why do we do that to each other?

Why is it so hard to be real people? Why is it so hard to allow ourselves to feel. Yes, with it comes the pain and hurt but with that will come the freedom to experience true joy and happiness for others. Imagine that feeling... saying, 'wow, congrats!' and meaning it with every fiber in your body. How liberating! I read in a book after losing Zach... the best thing we can do is to allow ourselves the time we need to feel sorry for ourselves so we can then adequately move through our grief onto the next stage. Instead of shouldering a burden for our entire lives we have to let ourselves validate our feelings. We have to help each other validate our feelings.

Validation. Someone in my family did that for me this weekend. And he did it for me in a subtle way but a way that brings tears to my eyes. Pastor Tim. He lead our family in prayer and simply took the time to be thoughtful enough to mention my Zach. He didn't say he should be here, he didn't need to. He simply mentioned his name as he thought of him during the prayer. Zach and Great Grandma. A child and my Great Grandma. The two names in one sentence just make me smile. I wonder if my Great Grandma knows that Zach is a chunky boy. I wonder if she told him that? :-)

And then we moved on to the feast before us. We enjoyed fellowship with each other. We marvelled at each other's kids - growing up so fast! Every child unique, every cousin of mine doing well in life. An experience I tend to take for granted... the gathering for the Den Hartog Family Christmas.

And this year is different somehow. I am reflective and thankful. I have been blessed. My family, close and extended, is blessed. I am ready for 2009. I am ready to continue this journey. I am ready to approach it unreserved. My son has gone one before me, I miss him, but I promised him I would be okay. His legacy, is mine. We will continue to strive to bless the lives of those around us. And the silly side of me... my girls are available for play dates and appointments. If you are in need of a good laugh - come on over to my house around 5 p.m.ish Me, trying to cook, both children at my feet, the dogs following the girls... You get the picture!

No matter where you are on this journey of life - may you take the time this Christmas and reflect on it all... and linger on the joy of the moment and the promise of tomorrow.