A friend asked me last night how I would rate the 7 years of marriage we have had so far. And my own answer kind of surprised me. I said good and hard. Harder than I ever could have dreamed. During our seven years we have had 4 children and said an earthly goodbye to one. We walked a hard road of love and support while we said goodbye to Matt's dad. We made choices we never knew existed. These things, while I know that they exist all around me, are sometimes hard to believe that they are also mine. I had kind of an out of body experience as I heard myself answer the truth to her question. I don't know that she expected the truth... I certainly didn't expect it to come gushing out.
But it put me in this wonderful place of reflection. A place of safety, a place of peace. Well into the night last night I found myself reflecting on these things. On our life. On our children and our home. On our jobs and our cars. How even through the loss and struggles we both dream. We dream together bigger than we ever did before.
I reflected on how we agreed early in our marriage that we would not wait for our marriage to be a good marriage we would CHOOSE for it to be a good marriage. We would wake up every day that we could and choose to put our best foot first. We would love and forgive, cry and laugh together as often. I reflected on how hard that choice has been. On the times I have wanted to walk away or give up and on the times that I wouldn't trade for any moment in the world.
I have had to learn to be still and lean on the support of others. Definitely NOT my strength. And Matt has had to learn to be quick and keep up with the rollar coaster of emotions that I carry with me. (Something about pregnacy hormones and such ?) LOL
And at the end of my reflection, I became aware of a truth I've been missing out on. It is okay. It is okay to be hurt, to be mad, just as it is okay to give myself permission to love and have fun. That even though I feel like I am emotional 50+ years old, I don't have to live like I am 50 :) We can choose to have that newlywed kind of love. It is okay... because
Hold Us Together
Matt Maher
And love will hold us together
Make us a shelter to weather the storm
And I'll be my brother's keeper
So the whole world would know that we're not alone
It's waiting for you knocking at your door
In the moment of truth when your heart hits the floor
And you're on your knees
And love will hold us together
Make us a shelter to weather the storm
And I'll be my brother's keeper
So the whole world would know that we're not alone
This is the first day of the rest of your life
This is the first day of the rest of your life
'Cause even in the dark you can still see the light
It's gonna be alright, it's gonna be alright
I love this song. Because it captures both our past seven years of marriage and our future. I have been his keeper and he has been mine. We have stood on the front lines for each other. We have wept together, we have fought together. We have preserved our love and that love has held us together. It has been our shelter.
And the line 'this is the first day of the rest of your life' reflects on a truth. Last night as I arrived at this place of peace... I realized that part of why it is okay, part of why this is the first day fo the rest of my life, is because we have this kind of love. Because no matter what happens today or tomorrow, no matter what we find ourselves in, at the end of the day I'd give anything for my best friend and I know that he would do the same for me. We have that kind of love :)
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