Growth

I have been struck in the past couple of weeks at the realization of just how deep losing my son has impacted my faith. A few weeks ago a day just "happened" to me. And as it turns out my ability to hold my tongue is stronger than I knew and that was also a day that I learned more about myself than I ever knew. In fact, as I still think about it - which unfortunately is an old bad habit and proof that I still have room to grow - I am still surprised at the growth in my life.


I have learned in this path of grief, people by nature try to relate. Sometimes I find it comforting and sometimes crazy offensive. And other times I find myself doing it even though I know how I feel about it!


I learned the depth of the truth to the fact that I am truly OK with my son not being here with me. I learned that I am thankful without shame for the moments I have with my daughter and my family, close and extended, and friends.


I learned that I work hard every day of my life to truly appreciate the extraordinary blessings in my life but I don't do it for me as much as I do it for those people around me. I learned that others are not as comfortable with the situation as I am. They don't understand the peace that God has given me and my family. My baby sings praises to the God most high -

I learned that no one can be more proud of their children than parents and that doesn't cease after the grave.


I learned that nothing offends me more than trying to use me or my son as an excuse. I found myself telling someone 'blame my daughter or me because we can defend ourselves but don't you dare blame my child who is in heaven - he didn't do anything to anyone.'


And then I learned the depth of compassion in my heart. How frustrating it must truly be for people without a deep faith who cannot understand peace. Who cannot understand compassion and comfort.

God has blessed me with an amazing life. I'm sure you've seen a picture or a story on the news about someone suffering or even experience it yourself. How badly you want to fix the situation and remove the blinders. That is how it is on this path of grief. I want to remove the blinders and let people see again. Zach is in heaven, not raining on our parade on earth but cheering us on!

But then God reminds me that in some ways I have an unfair advantage. My faith. It is rooted so deep that it does not easily waiver. Now, that's not to say I'm perfect - no way :) My faith has waivered and I'm sure it will again, but not easily or quickly. I don't have to wonder how you cope, I know how I cope. And for what that is worth...

I learned that I no longer cope. I live. I joyfully, happily, somedays emotionally, live.