Easter is approaching...

"Let it go, let it roll right off your shoulder, don't you know, the hardest part is over, let it end, let your clarity define you..."

I have a friend. A good friend whom my heart breaks for continually. She is one who I feel connected to in the hardest of ways, through our loss(es). Our children play together at the feet of Jesus while we cling to our moment of 'clarity.' Please, pray for her... she is so heavily on my heart. She is a woman of strength but her hurt, shows just beneath the smile in her eyes. Pray for healing, for courage, for hope and pray for her children.

And for me... journey through this Easter season with new appreciation. Because of this "event" I have the hope, the assurance, the confidence that I will hold my son again.

But I won't lie... as we celebrate the resurrection of Christ comes one of the hardest seasons for me a mother. We watch dramas and sing songs that speak to the reality of our Saviour being killed, being cruicified. And it pains my heart in the strangest of ways. In the most selfish of ways.

I hurts to know that my son, who is communing with my Saviour, died. And although I get to see him again some day it hurts. The very subject of the resurrection is hard for me to sit through. But for me, for you, there is a promise, because Jesus died we have life.

But in the moment, I get stuck on the three days. Three days. Three days after my son died I had a funeral and was in route for the second funeral. In three days I was just barely beginning to realize that my reality was that he was gone.

In three days my Saviour rose and conquored the grave.

It is so hard for my heart to grasp what it felt like to be there and watch Jesus die. I relate to deepest of mourners at his tomb. And a jealousy bigger than anything you can imagine - rises in the back of my throat. A deep need to sob and scream at the top of my lungs that this isn't fair.

And then the still small voice... deep in my heart, in the middle of my tears. Tells me to remember that there is no reason. God's perfect will for my life is perfect. His permissible will is what will give me the strength and confidence that this "event" in my life will be my reason.

I will take my hurt, my loss, my disappointment and I will walk boldy to the throne and I will leave it there. Even if every year I come back and have to do it again. I will walk and leave it at the cross.

And at the end of my journey some day, I will see my son. I will commune with God. I will laugh in heaven as my life is honored. No matter how many times I relive the night or battle myself I know that I have a reason. I have a story to share. One of love, compassion, trust, hurt, frustration, growth... a story of victory.

This Easter season... when you partake in the communion and go through the routine... close your eyes, think of someone you lost, hold that memory close to you heart and bathe in the glory of what was done for you, for me.

To choose DEATH so we might LIVE...