Let the Trumpets Ring

We met with the doctors caring for Todd this morning. Immediate red flags went up in my brain - we meet in the chaplin room at the ICU. We've been here. Not here at this hospital but in "that" room. We watch the faces of those we love learn this truth that we have known for over 3 years now... this room means a certain fate.

Todd, Matt's dad, has been on a ventilator since Tuesday. The doctor starts bringing us up to speed. His lungs are failing. His blood pressure and oxygen are cause for concern. He has a temp. He most likely will not survive this hospital stay.

We have a choice - let him continue on the ventilator and struggle against it - because the relaxation meds cause his blood pressure to worsen. Or we go the first course which is to take him off the ventilation and have time talking with him. His body might fight and he might recover. Might. And it doesn't matter, Todd is coherent. He is with us in these moments so we bring it to him.

He wants to try to talk to us. He wants to move on. He doesn't want to feel pain or suffering. We understand, we agree, we cry.

I went and picked up the girls from daycare. Opa laughed with us as Halleah called the seeds of her apple M&Ms. She even sang some of Jesus Love Me for him. And Mattalyn blew him kisses and saved her best smiles for him. And as I took them back to daycare I cried for them. For the realization that they have no idea what they just did or how much it meant to me and to Matt.

We spend the afternoon telling him all the great things he is to us. The best dad, the best father-in-law. We talk of the great things he has done for us and make promises to him for forever. We cry.

Around 3:30ish today we watch the ventilator cease. We hoover close and talk to Todd. He talks to us in fragments before drifting off to sleep. We love him. We miss him already.

And here we sit... he feels no pain, his is still sleeping. He body continues to trudge on and we wait. We laugh and cry. We pray. We wait.

And I reflect on my life in these past few years. My first born will soon be dancing at Jesus' feet with my father-in-law. I have watched my husband suffer the greatest hardships of his life - this one being the worst. My heart breaks again and again. Surviving Zach was easy... just pick up and build a family. Try again. But surviving Todd? I tell Matt that I feel like the "guy" in the relationship - I want to fix this. I have to fix this.

And the realization I cannot...