Little Surprises

Ever have those moments where life is so real that there is no delay in your emotions? When you don't have to ponder your thoughts or feelings. But just have one of those true knee jerk reactions where you find the truth of your heart now sitting on your lap?

Totally had that day the other day. Just driving home thinking about different people and things in my life. And in the background the song Finally Home by Mercy Me started playing. Instant tears. In fact, I think I had tears before I even realized what had prompted the vivid memories inside my head.

I'm gonna wrap my arms around my daddy's neck
And tell him that I've missed him
And tell him all about the man that I became
And hope that it pleased him

There's so much I want to say
There's so much I wanted you to know

I found my heart overflowing with grief for Matt. Matt isn't a person who is overly emotional or has long deep conversations with me about the hurt in his life often. But he is a person with great strength. Great accomplishment. He does anything he can to make sure that the girls and I are okay. That we are provided for, that we are loved beyond words.

And having the privilege to be his wife... makes my heart so heavy with things I wish would have been different for him. I wish I had a son running admist the choas of the girls. I wish I could have shown Todd the things about his son that he never saw. I wish I would have made a better effort at taking the time to show him who his son has become.

And the song continues on...

Chorus
When I finally make it home
When I finally make it home

Then I'll gaze upon the throne of the King
Frozen in my steps
And all the questions that I swore I would ask
Words just won't come yet

And with that came a deep conviction in gut. Grief is so easily about me. My loss, my son, my husband, my father-in-law... And the reality is that life with end, for everyone at some time. That while my circumstances might seem unique, they are not.

Lots of people I know live without a parent. More than I wish I knew live without children. I know some missing siblings. I don't know if I can name a person in my life who has never experienced death.

But I can name the people who don't have greater hope.

Today, my heart cry is an old prayer spoken as if it was new:
Less of me, more of You.