That Day

Today has been one of those days. Emotions have threatened to overtake me on more than one occassion. But the part I am struggling the hardest with is a part that has surprised me. Surprise; right? Surprises are hard on control-type people like myself... I like to think that I own my emotions and that they never own me. I like to think that I have bravely walked through the face of grief again and again and come out on the otherside a better person. But this surprise has challenged my belief in myself.

The morning started with a conversation about H1N1 and the vacination that is being pushed. Specifically it started with concerns for my life in light of the deaths of pregnant people being report. Immediately defensiveness rose in my heart. Yes, in my heart.

How do I sort the hurt in my heart from the information being spoke at me everyday? My son was a number... 1 in approximately 30,000+ that died of Influenza A over 3 years ago. 1 in 30,000+ that die every year.

H1N1 is a virus subtype of Influenza A. Please explain to me how my son's life and the lives of the other 29,999 a YEAR did not warrant the immediate attention of the government or of an University who might develop a vaccination. Did you know that the government doesn't spend a lot of time or energy tracking Influenza A deaths? I have read that the CDC lumps phnuemonia with Influenza A in the tracking catergory. That's how frustrating this is.... we won't even know if H1N1 takes the lives at a rate that is more than what the seasonal Influenza A has in the past. But you will hear it talked about every day.

Please don't miss understand me. I believe in education. I believe that I should take care of myself as well as not expose other people's children to the colds my children might have. I want all of us to be safe and happy.

But PLEASE put on my shoes for a moment. Before you begin a conversation about the vaccination and what school in town has it and what hospitals are doing... remember that Influenza A isn't new. Remember Avian flu? Yep, Influenza A. Please don't treat me so disrespectfully that you cannot appreciate my perspective as well. I've learned it already. The hard way. I had to watch. I had to give my son back to his Maker.

Do you think I don't know the risks? I know something that God protected from my heart for over a year... I know now that Zach got Influenza A from me.

I have spent all of today thinking about what I have done wrong. What I should have done better to help my son. What I wish people would have told me about being a mom, about being the temporary protector of his life.

And since we aren't talking about it. Since the news is just freaking everyone out... I'll tell you what I've learned the hard way.

Influenza A isn't the only enemy. It is just a place to start. Influenza A wears down your immune system so other infections and things can move in. Zach started with Influenza A and ended with strep A bacterial infection (of which you are vaccinated for as an infant and there is no antiboditic for) and phnuemonia. Influenza A was what is was. A cold. The others were the final threat.

The things I should have articulated with more urgency than I have ever had in my life... were things that every mother knows but doesn't really know they know it, are things like how many times has your child pee'd, or had bowl movements. How many ounces have they drank. Have those amounts been declining?

We've all been there. The doctors asks you if you child has been eating or drinking. I remember telling them yeah, he ate a little today. He was eating on that Saturday. Except he was only eating 1/5 of what he would normally eat. I should have said that. And I didn't even think to mention that he hadn't had many wet diapers (a sign that his kidneys were shutting down already and he was dehydrated). I thought from my perspective... hey, it's 1 a.m. in the morning on a Saturday night, surely the doctor will appreciate that I am not here for the fun of it. I was wrong. Doctors are people too. Unfortunately though my son was a number. A patient that in comparison of all the other children seen that night he seemed to be the most 'okay.' They sent us home with innstrutions to follow up with our family doctor on Monday. We never made it to Monday.

And the face I can't erase from my mind tonight... is the look on Zach's face as we were transported by the ambulance the next evening. The night he died. Yes, I went back to the E.R. the next day but I was too late. I remember his eyes looking in mine. And that's it. That's the last time my son ever looked at me. I wonder if he knew that I had no idea he would leave me that night. I had no idea that a doctor would have to hold me by the shoulders and look me in the face and tell me that my son would be victim 11 of Influenza A that weekend in Des Moines.

And I'm trying. I'm trying to not react defensively and crazy admist the H1N1 talk. But it's hard. It is crazy hard for me. I don't want anyone to go through what we went through. I don't want my son to be forgotten. Maybe that's what bothers me so much about H1N1... have we forgotten?

Someday I'll start at the beginning and give the story of his last week. But tonight... it hurts just to remember him. It hurts to miss him. It hurts to close my eyes and see his face.

It just hurts.