The Door

Steven Curtis Champan was a favorite of mine for as long as I can remember and on my way to work this morning as I listened to him on the radio I cried the hardest I have cried for a while. His ability to capture the words that live in my heart yet never expose themself is so truly God sent.

I am so blessed with my family. By Matt and my two girls. And we are so excited to be having a baby boy in April. But we did not set out to have a baby just to chance having a boy. We have a longing in our heart for a large family and we love to experience the simple ways children play and love unconditionally. We love the anticipation of our growing family.

And yet, the news of the future arrival of our son... stirs the pot a bit. In some ways I feel like I have a second chance. He isn't Zach. He won't ever be Zach. I kind hope he is adorable and handsome like him but I am sure, actually I already know he is his own person :-) Much more aggressive - from the excessive kicking - but he has to be... he has two sisters waiting to love him and cuddle with him and no doubt put him 'night-night' as they do all their babies :) Halleah has already assured daddy that she will teach him to play trucks. Halleah doesn't even own a truck! LOL

But it feels like a second chance. I get the chance to do all the boy things we never got to do. I get to see him crawl some day and roughhouse with his daddy and sisters...

And as I reflected on the things I miss about my first son... about Zach... I heard this song this morning that Steven wrote about his daughter and I cried so hard. For the longest time, and even now, my brain is constantly scolding my heart because heaven is supposed to be about Jesus but when you lose a child - the face of heaven is only that child. When I think of Heaven, I think of Zach. And when I think of Zach, I think of heaven. It took me a long, long time to let Jesus have that pain and even today I had to give it to Him again. To trust that Jesus - perfect aweomse Jesus - could have my son and he could care for him. A mother's love and devotion, completely unimagineable. Just like Heaven.

And I hum this song this morning... with comfort. My son is in heaven, wanting nothing, suffering not one bit. "God, I know, it's all of this and so much more, But God, You know, I just can't see beyond the door."

By: Steven Curtis Champan

Heaven is the face of a little girl
With dark brown eyes
That disappear when she smiles.
Heaven is the place
Where she calls my name
Says, “Daddy please come play with me for awhile.”

Chorus:

God, I know, it’s all of this and so much more,
But God, You know, that this is what I’m aching for.
God, you know, I just can’t see beyond the door.
So right now...

Heaven is the sound of her breathing deep,
Lying on my chest, falling fast asleep while I sing.
And Heaven is the weight of her in my arms,
Being there to keep her safe from harm while she dreams

And God, I know, it’s all of this and so much more,
But God, You know, that this is what I’m longing for
God, you know, I just can’t see beyond the door.

Bridge:

But in my mind’s eye I can see a place
Where Your glory fills every empty space.
All the cancer is gone,
Every mouth is fed,
And there’s no one left in the orphans’ bed.
Every lonely heart finds their one true love,
And there’s no more goodbye,
And no more not enough,
And there’s no more enemy (no more).

Heaven is a sweet, maple syrup kiss
And a thousand other little things I miss with her gone.
Heaven is the place where she takes my hand
And leads me to You,
And we both run into Your arms.

Oh God, I know, it’s so much more than I can dream.
It’s far beyond anything I can conceive.
So God, You know, I’m trusting You until I see
Heaven in the face of my little girl,
Heaven in the face of my little girl.