Another First...

I am not sure I believe that time heals. But I do believe that time removes me from the intense hurt of loss and gives my heart the ears it needs to hear and receive love and healing. I live there in regard to memories and thoughts of Zach. I think of him from time to time. Sometimes the memories bring a deep longing and sometimes they bring nothing more than a moment that is mine. A moment that my heart smiles - knowing the Truth.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. ~Kahlil Gibran

Todd Wennerstrom. Dad. Grandpa. Father-in-law. I never knew what a friend I had in him like I do now. I never thought that watching my husband say goodbye to his son would only touch the tip of the grief we would see in the short 6 years of our marraige. How much we miss his shining smile and perfectly optimistic outlook!!

I never knew that baby boy Wennerstrom that lives in me right now would be a legacy all his own... the carrier of the Wennerstrom name - both surviving his brother and his grandpa. Meeting neither. I am thankful for this unborn child. For the reminder that he is that life is precious and I think often of something P. Dan tells us - God has chosen this child for us. He has given us everything we will ever need to raise him. It calms my wildest fears to know that God has a plan for my life still.

And I continue to grieve and walk just as before. Trusting God to protect my family and to give me answers when I am ready for them. I am aware so much more of the unspoken hurts of my mother-in-law. I can close my eyes and see the smile in Todd's face as my girls said goodbye to him...

And I miss him. I miss everything he is and was to my husband. I miss hearing about how much fun Matt and David and Todd have watching football togther and hanging out in his room with that sweet TV. I miss his random child-raising advice that we laugh about. And I think of him as I work diligently to raise my children kindergarten "ready" :) He would be proud - I am sure! I even bought Halleah tennis shoes with strings so I can teach her to tie... a pep talk I recieved from him on more than one occassion.

All good memories of him... the man who played his trumpet at my wedding... plays trumpets at the throne of God. So cool. And yet I miss you so much.